Hopeful

I wonder why it doesn't bother me as much...why I got over it so quickly...maybe I don't have a heart...maybe I'm so cold that losing someone isn't all that traumatizing...or maybe, just maybe I found something better. I don't know yet...we'll find out. But until we do I can only assume that that is the case. Maybe there's something wrong with me...

More and more

I left a bunch of space up there because I couldn't think of how to start it...

Why lead yourself into a situation you cannot get yourself out of? It's exhilarating and fun and new. But what happens when things get caught up in themselves and you can't find your way out? You try to follow the breadcrumbs back to the place of origin...but you fail. You never know what's coming, you can only see so far down the path. Lets hope I chose the right one...

of ruins...

When you try to rebuild what's been torn down or destroyed there will always be obstacles. There will be things that never seem to line up, and that's when you need to look up and accept the things God sends your way. You can never understand or really even begin to ask why things happen. You will never get the answer you seek and in the end everything falls into place. Don't try to rebuild the old. Use what was damaged to build something completely new.

Concepts grow

The mind is always working to think up new ideas and concepts for people to relate to. While you're off in your own world searching through these things in your head it's very hard not to notice how these things grow. They never fail to change and morph into these huge plans that, sooner or later, you place in the back of your mind, never to be thought about again. Sometimes it's very difficult to let these ideas go, other times it's the simplest concept to forget about them. You can never have too many ideas shoved back there. There always seems to be enough space to keep moving things back there. At some point it turns into a bottomless pit where you can throw anything you don't feel comfortable with. It's quite sad really. You can't reach in and grab what you wish you hadn't thrown in.

Lately, I've felt this urge to keep shoving ideas back there and forget about a lot of different things that have been popping up in my head. I've had a great time while I've been here but so many different things have happened and changed that I've felt helpless as to my own situation and emotions, as if I wasn't in control. I've never been more thankful for that black hole in the back of my head. I've been thinking about that place for a long time and I finally put it to use. I never knew that having somewhere to throw your trash was so important. I feel a lot like God throwing out ideas while I he was brainstorming for us. I'm very impressed with how he handled things. I can't exactly say the same thing about the way I've handled things.

all for nothing

it didnt work out...last time i go crazy looking for flowers at 9 am...it was all for nothing...

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i hate this feeling....now i just miss you...

now i just miss you like you wouldnt believe. i just wanna stop fighting and arguing. i just wanna see you and smile and see the girl that loves...right now i think im gonna see the girl who wants me to shut up...damn i really am not good at this..remind me how you fell for me in the first place:-/

not good enough

you are constantly making me feel like im not good enough, like my ideas are crap and my reasoning behind my thinking is stupid. "grow up" "you're an idiot" "back off"

I don't think anyone has ever shot down my attempts so brutally...I might be trying to hard...but at least I'm trying...do you know anyone else that would fight for you this hard and go through the barrage of constant corrections and put downs you throw my way?

I'm putting up with this is because of how much I love you. I love you so much that despite the tears you force out of my eyes on an almost nightly basis, I wont give up...I'm fighting for you and youre saying im overdoing it...like our relationship isn't on the line...

Excuse me for planning our time...but do you know any other guy who would even give it that much thought? Any other guy who would care so much about the time you share that he don't want absolutely anything to go wrong? A guy who love you so much that no matter how many times you tell him he's doing something wrong, he keeps trying...do you know any other guy like that, do you know ANY OTHER GUY THAT EVEN REMOTELY GIVE A SHIT AS MUCH AS I DO!? :'-( would you rather I didn't try at all? would you rather I gave it nothing? am I really that much of a pain to you that I'm going to drag out the 2 months that you AREN'T going to see me??? am I really that bad? I'll tone it down... I'll do whatever you say, I want you that badly. I truly do.

I really can't do anything right for you, can I?

I'm really at a loss for words...
"try harder"
"calm down"
"show me"
"too much"


Fine. Okay. Alright. I'll do it. You log off on me AND hang up on me, I'm trying to make time, you tell me I'm killing it and you wonder why I think it is you don't want to spend time with me. I told you I'd bring sandwiches for the next day since you didn't want me planning everything out for days to come......SANDWICHES!!!!! and that was trying too hard. You said you'd stop the back and forth.

DAMNIT I AM GIVING IT EVERYTHING!!!!!!!! you just keep shooting me down...

and then you post something about a long summer...making me feel even worse...like im SO bad at this that you're summer is ruined... :'-(

i guess ill keep trying something new until you finally smile and tell me im on the money...

Best laid plans...

i like having a plan...or at least a rough outline. at least for this. if we both know were going to be busy id like to set apart some time so we can be together but she likes going with the flow... and for the sake of her happiness I'm going to go with her idea this time. i have a feeling i know where this is going to go though...shes going to be so caught up with other people that im going to have to be the one who has to ask to spend time with her. shes going to forget about spending time with me and then im gonna feel like a dunmy for not making a plan. im going to want to spend time with people too but shes my #1 priority. I don't really feel like a priority. Oh well I'm not going to push for it because pushing only leads to angry fights. Ill just have to hope she doesn't forget I wanted to spend time with her before I'm 1247 miles away...

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eff my life...

it feels like theres a little guy who controls my life and he lines things up in such a way that allows me to get boned by myself every so often...i wrote stuff down here so i wouldnt bring them up with her because i know she doesnt need this right now....but it just so happens...she reads this...so my attempts at being good...actually failed. she didnt want to talk to me cuz i let her know WAY too much of what i was thinking on saturday...then i wrote here and i tried to do good all week. and i was hurting..so i posted it here...we talked today and it seemed like things had gotten better...until she read everything here...now im back to square one...i hate you blogger..........so eff blogger instead of my life....see what i mean....boned by myself......



-_-....

THE FUCK!!

FUCK!

so NOW you let me in on everything...once were about to go to work and not speak...now you let me know how you felt about the things that ive done. and NOW you let me in to whats going on in your head....and then just like that...the conversation was over...not because i wanted it to be...not because you didnt want to talk to me...but because apparently theres a time limit to how much i can talk to you...and because you wanted to do something else...given we havent talked since....idk...FRIDAY!.


the fuck...

im probably overreacting ...but i dont care right now...cuz seriously? fine...youre fucking taking this to a whole other level, just cuz were not together doesnt make any sense as to why we cant talk for however long we want to talk for...FUCK MY COUCH!!!


by the way...im glad you liked the stuff i dropped off this morning....it took me 13 HOURS and 5 stores and a parking ticket to get them to you....

at least someone knew I was there...

I stayed up for hours making her a video of our pictures, a little clip of me being stupid...some music. Left early this morning, drove around to at least 5 different flower stores, got her flowers, dropped them on her doorstep along with the video...and it seems the only person that cared was the police officer that gave me a ticket for parking on the street while I left the flowers on the step...


I'm really not making any progress am I? :( I'm broke between gas money, ticket, flowers, food...I literally have nothing else to give, I've already given it all up...what am I supposed to do?

100,000,000,000,000%

COME ON!!!!! I'm doing everything I can. Everything. I'm doing everything I can think of short of going into the future and bringing her back a picture of us two together to prove to her I'm serious. I've been changing my life, trying to prove to her that I'm serious, that I'm not some liar who's just doing this for shits and giggles! i want her back. I'm not looking for any other girl. I'm not looking to make a fool of her. I'm looking to get the girl i love back. And its like nothing matters. I told her that id move wherever, go wherever, back her up no matter what, wait however long (no matter how i feel about the length of time). I am WILLING OT DO WHATEVER IT TAKES!!! she said it could take months, it could take years (God FORBID it be years :-(...), but I'm doing everything to let her know i will never do this again, i will never let her slip away again. I seriously feel like Ross from friends. I feel like I let my jennifer aniston go, except she really believes im not proving it to her. I AM TRYING EVERYTHING MY BRAIN THINKS UP!!! honestly, every idea that has popped up to say 'hey, this will help her know' ive done! and it always winds up getting me the same response: either "no jonathan" or "show me"....ok well "no jonathan" implies that all that did was make you mad at what i did and "show me" implies that what i did didnt do a good job of showing you im trying and either way she doesnt want to talk or see me so I cant even SHOW her my progress most of the time....SO I LOSE BOTH WAYS! is there anybody with any ideas on how to prove myself....my brain is burning through ideas faster than you can imagine. RUBI if youre reading this....IM WORKING EVERY METHOD AND PLAN I CAN DEVISE...if you cant see the proof in what i do...then try to see the proof in the fact that im doing all those things in the first place to try to prove it to you :-(

it didnt really matter...

i spent 9 hours rewriting, recording, mixing and uploading a song that i originally wrote for her 2 years ago...she still doesnt want to talk or see me...were still only gonna hang out twice and i dont even know if im gonna keep her in the end...:-(... at least shes not in pain missing and thinking about me...its enough with just one of us losing sleep...*sigh*


from what ive read so far...theres nothing in the bible about feeling crappy about youre girl not wanting you back...better keep looking. its gotta be in there somewhere:-/

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Lets just do it!!!

I really just wanna tell her lets stop fighting, stop being mad at each other, the only things its causing is pain for both of us. The only thing holding me back is the fact that she really doesn't want to hear from me right now. If I tell her that it could lead to an even bigger fight, but it could also lead to the end of this 'silence'. I want to handle this like friends, like adults, like a couple thats trying to work things out and get back together. Right now, it feels like we're handling this like enemies and two people who are so angry with each other that it's causing a war. I really want to tell her how much I love her and how much I just want to work through this. I want her support and I want to talk with her through this. Should I tell her?

little hints

ive been trying to drop her little hints here and there that i miss her and that im thinking about her but i think its just pissing her off even more. i think that falls in the 'talking to her' section which she told me was a no-no.

This sucks...

I know that this is just a temporary thing, but the fact that I literally have NOTHING to do all day makes it that much more unbearable. I don't have anything to do, everyone I know lives far away and she doesn't want to communicate. All I can do is think about it. I really don't have much to distract myself. I've tried exercise and walking and even sleeping...but I can't do those ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. I feel like I'm letting her slip away and I don't like the feeling. I don't want to lose her.


Ef...

sandwiches ...

i was supposed to be making turkey sandwiches for our date tomorrow
...looks like im still eating alone...

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i found your home

so i havent slept again...she is the only thing that runs through my head...

I told myself that I wouldnt get mad and i'd keep my cool...and i did. theres no way i can be mad at her. it jist doesnt happen. i get frustrated or mad or sad or annoyed...but at the end of the day..she is still bibi and i cant be mad at bibi for ever...she brings me such a profound joy:-) no matter how much pain and heartache tbis is causing...i love her and i am overjoyed to know she loves me too. i know that i have something special...i just have to keep fighting for it.im not going to give up. gentlemen she may not be taken this very instant but she is mine. i am going to fight until shes found that place called home shes been looking for...back in my arms.

Where the hell are the airplanes?....

because I damn sure need a wish right now.

I have been waiting for her to talk to me...no response yet. I really hope she decides she wants to talk to me before work...if not were gonna get to work and she's still not gonna want to talk to me...that's gonna be 1: really difficult and 2: extremely painful.

This whole situation feels super caca pleep pleeps. If anyone sees an airplane wish that I could make her happy again...thanks...

I want...

I want her to call....I keep checking my computer and my phone hoping she'll try to contact me. I know she said she didn't want to and I don't really feel the greatest either...no matter how upset I am I still want to hear from her and talk to her... this hurts a lot. I really hope she's doing ok...at least better than I am right now.

it honestly feels like trying gets me nowhere but backwards

i tried. i honestly gave it 100% of my effort. i stopped talking on the phone...i took her to lunch...i tries to think of waya for us to spend time together...i even spoke to our boss to see if he could help. i got upset because she cancelled one of our only days together...and now she doesnt want to talk with me...she doesnt want to spend time with me. i was trying as hard as i could. i really was and i was left with 48 hours...the only 48 hours i was going to get this summer with the girl that i love... i really think we blew it way out of proportion... i lost it...i really lost it...

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Uh oh

Yup...the big one...the one that was coming... I pushed too hard. I'm not dealing with one of my guy friends or my dog... I'm dealing with a sensitive woman who is trying to piece together the mess that I've made and I pushed her too far. Now she's mad at me and I don't know what to do... I think she might be at the end of her whits with me... If I mess this up... nope...can't allow myself to think that way... I'm not gonna mess this up... I'm not gonna mess this up... I'm not gonna mess this up... am I??? :-(

I'm not trying to. I'm really not trying to screw with her head or push or be an all around idiot (the word she used) but I don't know it's like when I'm trying... I'm trying too hard and I end up destroying what I worked to build. I gotta figure out a solution quick...

Not fair...

I miss you :'-(...you should be here, and you're not.
You should be kissing me, but you can't.
You should be wondering where to get the rings, but you're not.
I should be with you, but I'm not.
I should be holding you, but I can't.
I wish I could see you, but you won't let me.
We should be together, but nothing allows us.
You should keep going, but others say not to.
I should give up, but I'll never let that happen.
We should be able to get through this....and we will.




It hurts so bad to hear the girl you love say you can't hold her hand, kiss her, hold her, spend time with her. It's painful. It feels like getting run over by a cargo plane.

queue cards please

Sometimes I really wish I was someone else. I make stupid decisions, say stupid things, act like a total fool. Put those three together and you've got a recipe for sure fire failure. Now I've lost contact with my God, I don't even get to SEE the girl, and I'm alone.

Nothing I can do or say now matters. I'm going to be super sick nasty busy for the next few months and I can't take back or redo what I didn't do right (or, in this case, never got to do) and I'm gonna be stuck doing the same mundane shit over and over. I wish life had a queue card holder...no way you can fuck up anything that way. Saturday night and I'm writing to an internet site to hold my thoughts. Fuck this, fuck the ideas that come out, fuck the stupid shit I say, the trouble it always seems to bring, the useless attempts at controlling my thoughts. Fuck it all.

*clears throat* queue card reader!!! lets try that scene again....I messed up...

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E

i got absolutely no sleep last night. i was waiting for morning so i could call...that didn't go so well. 8 hours wasted just waiting. why do i get my hopes up? learn to expect worst and you can never be disappointed. words to live by. havent let me down so far. it keeps me going, despite the fact that I'm running on 'E'.

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...again...

you know...i realize that what i did was a total dick head move... but why do i feel more like an asshole now? i feel like im being torn between her good side and her bad side. one second shes laughing and having a good time with me. she wakes up and doesnt want to hear my voice. what the fuck? i am trying to make things work and i feel like am idiot while im at it. i felt so great last night when she laughed and smiled. this morning i felt like shit. like a fucking nobody. like i didnt matter to her. well shit if im not gonna matter might as well not matter by myself. because after all...she doesnt want to see me either. maybe im so despicable that this is how normal people deal with me. or maybe, just maybe, im actually feeling a little bit of hurt inside cuz ive been rejected and she doesnt even know it yet.





ps...for those who care and read along ....i havent felt this alone and put aside ever. period.

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hmm

i think that says it all...

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Sweet Tides

So...uhm...why am I here?
Why am I in the same position I was in a long time ago?

Tides.

With each pull there has to be a release, letting go of what has a hold of you. It allows you to flow forward. It's what causes the tides. The push and pull of the sea. In the same way the ocean moves, so do we. We're pulled in different directions by conflicting decisions we make.

My biggest fear is always not knowing. Not knowing what's going to happen, what has already happened, or even misunderstanding what's happening now. I feel like I'm always caught off-guard by the tides. They always creeps up on me like something that wanted to surprise me.

I'm not sure what's worse, being caught off-guard, or knowing it was coming. I felt pulled in one direction by a decision that I was making. But in a sense, in not making a decision against it, I had already made a decision to go with it. It's confusing. As of late, there's a new unexpected tide washing up new things on shore. It's keeping me entertained really... intrigued. It's dangerous when you swim with a tide. The tide could pull back and you could be left out in the middle of the ocean to drown.

So what is it about this tide that keeps me coming back for a swim? Endangering my comfortable wall. Who knows? Maybe it will take me out, too far for me to swim back to safety. But maybe...just maybe it will take me somewhere. Somewhere different. Somewhere out of my comfort zone. Somewhere I needed to be, but was too caught up to notice.

"Sweet Tides" - Thievery Corporation <-------- Look it up, you might just find music will change your life.

No one gets left behind

Been listening to this song a lot lately...kind of has my attention.

"Poloiticians banking in their greed
No idea on how to be all they can be

Have you no honor/ Have you no soul
What is it they're dying for/ Do you really even know
Have you no backbone/ Have you no spine
Whatever happened to/ NO ONE GETS LEFT BEHIND" - 5FDP

I still have the packet I got from West Point. I'll never throw it away, I guess because it reminds me of what I could have been. I am proud of what I've become (ok, not really) but shit. I kind of regret not having gone. I would have owed my country something great. The more I look back at the decision I made to come here, the more I question my own integrity.

I am kinds of all over the place lately. I need to go for a walk. Maybe I'll run into something I need on the way.

Comfort

Why is it the people you least expect, make a serious impact on your life. I'm not even completely sure who people are anymore. I'm starting to think this is a big joke and I'm the ass getting caught up.

Last week I knew I was going to be ok. A few days ago I knew I was going to be ok. Today, I'm not even sure I have my own shit in order. Everyone is scared. No matter how hard you pretend to be, everyone has a soft core. Everyone. I'm not super manly man, or crazy into being a tough guy, but I know my limits are beyond the average person. And whenever I hit those moments where everything goes crazy, I fall apart. I begin to think, maybe I'm not at all who I thought I was. I've had loss, but what the hell makes this one so different. This all may seem really out of order, but here's the problem. I have to find a way to either accept the fact that I'm gonna have to stay comfy or bite the bullet and go through with it.

Shit.

In time, I'll get over this phase. Maybe she'll still care. Maybe I will still care. Maybe I'm wrong, and I'm running the risk of losing everything I've fought for the last few years. Maybe I'm stupid and I'm going off some wild, inner need to be alone. All I know is once shit goes down...shits gonna go down. It's gonna hit the fan...and everything else in the room. I feel like I'm losing either her or myself. Which is more important? I'm not even so sure anymore. I've turned from a lot of things I believe lately. I met a girl a few days ago who asked me "when did I become this person?". I looked at her and thought "what's so wrong with the person you are?". It's not that she's wrong or incorrect. She's just not who she used to be. If that's the case, then I should have asked "when did I become this person?" because I'm not who I was. Maybe it's good. Maybe it's bad. Maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe I'll find out that I lost something. Either way, I'm not going to be alright. I have to deal with losing something that I've had for a long time. Either her, which I've had for years, or myself, which I've had for a while. Or maybe it's this new me, which I've had for a few months now. All this time alone, and all I can come up with is...nothing. I don't even have an answer.


Maybe...just maybe, I'm wrong and I'm being totally mind fucked by everything that happens in life. What to do...what to do. Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. So am I going to kill this new me or lose a love. Gain a death and heartache, or a memory. Choices, choices.

Unwanted tears

Wrote this a few years ago, never posted it. First time for everything.
Something made me post this. We'll see if I can figure out what it was.



tears are for those unsure of where they are
unsure of where they're going
or who they want to be
they fall to the ground unnoticed
by the ones who were supposed to see
all my pain and devastation
confined into a single drop
but once it leaves my face, i fear,
it comes to a sudden stop
the tear that you onced cried and weeped
has now come to end, fell off your cheek
like spheres of glass, they fall and shatter
down below, on the cold, hard street
unlike these tears that you once made
that stop so fast, break, and change shape
i cant be broken and remolded into something new
thats not the way i was made,
and most likely neither were you
the human heart is fragile
when deep in thought, it is like water:
when shown the smallest amount of cold,
it in itself grows colder, and harder.
turning into ice is the final stage
but then i stop, only to find
the tears that once ran down my face
have absorbed the cold and frozen inside
its a fatal game, the one we play
its complicated, called emotion.
few people win, but many lose
only one rule, but no one knows it
i almost let my wife come right between us
but after it all, realized she was just trying to beat us
my wife became my mistress, my mistress became my love
enshrouded only in darkness
like a hand in a black glove
this love that i speak of
composed of ideas, music and lyrics
unfortunately, i must say
this mistress' name is music
in terms of my love, this wife
she turned out to be a bitch
now i seek divorce
to end this relationship