Comfort

Why is it the people you least expect, make a serious impact on your life. I'm not even completely sure who people are anymore. I'm starting to think this is a big joke and I'm the ass getting caught up.

Last week I knew I was going to be ok. A few days ago I knew I was going to be ok. Today, I'm not even sure I have my own shit in order. Everyone is scared. No matter how hard you pretend to be, everyone has a soft core. Everyone. I'm not super manly man, or crazy into being a tough guy, but I know my limits are beyond the average person. And whenever I hit those moments where everything goes crazy, I fall apart. I begin to think, maybe I'm not at all who I thought I was. I've had loss, but what the hell makes this one so different. This all may seem really out of order, but here's the problem. I have to find a way to either accept the fact that I'm gonna have to stay comfy or bite the bullet and go through with it.

Shit.

In time, I'll get over this phase. Maybe she'll still care. Maybe I will still care. Maybe I'm wrong, and I'm running the risk of losing everything I've fought for the last few years. Maybe I'm stupid and I'm going off some wild, inner need to be alone. All I know is once shit goes down...shits gonna go down. It's gonna hit the fan...and everything else in the room. I feel like I'm losing either her or myself. Which is more important? I'm not even so sure anymore. I've turned from a lot of things I believe lately. I met a girl a few days ago who asked me "when did I become this person?". I looked at her and thought "what's so wrong with the person you are?". It's not that she's wrong or incorrect. She's just not who she used to be. If that's the case, then I should have asked "when did I become this person?" because I'm not who I was. Maybe it's good. Maybe it's bad. Maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe I'll find out that I lost something. Either way, I'm not going to be alright. I have to deal with losing something that I've had for a long time. Either her, which I've had for years, or myself, which I've had for a while. Or maybe it's this new me, which I've had for a few months now. All this time alone, and all I can come up with is...nothing. I don't even have an answer.


Maybe...just maybe, I'm wrong and I'm being totally mind fucked by everything that happens in life. What to do...what to do. Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. So am I going to kill this new me or lose a love. Gain a death and heartache, or a memory. Choices, choices.