Sweet Tides

So...uhm...why am I here?
Why am I in the same position I was in a long time ago?

Tides.

With each pull there has to be a release, letting go of what has a hold of you. It allows you to flow forward. It's what causes the tides. The push and pull of the sea. In the same way the ocean moves, so do we. We're pulled in different directions by conflicting decisions we make.

My biggest fear is always not knowing. Not knowing what's going to happen, what has already happened, or even misunderstanding what's happening now. I feel like I'm always caught off-guard by the tides. They always creeps up on me like something that wanted to surprise me.

I'm not sure what's worse, being caught off-guard, or knowing it was coming. I felt pulled in one direction by a decision that I was making. But in a sense, in not making a decision against it, I had already made a decision to go with it. It's confusing. As of late, there's a new unexpected tide washing up new things on shore. It's keeping me entertained really... intrigued. It's dangerous when you swim with a tide. The tide could pull back and you could be left out in the middle of the ocean to drown.

So what is it about this tide that keeps me coming back for a swim? Endangering my comfortable wall. Who knows? Maybe it will take me out, too far for me to swim back to safety. But maybe...just maybe it will take me somewhere. Somewhere different. Somewhere out of my comfort zone. Somewhere I needed to be, but was too caught up to notice.

"Sweet Tides" - Thievery Corporation <-------- Look it up, you might just find music will change your life.

No one gets left behind

Been listening to this song a lot lately...kind of has my attention.

"Poloiticians banking in their greed
No idea on how to be all they can be

Have you no honor/ Have you no soul
What is it they're dying for/ Do you really even know
Have you no backbone/ Have you no spine
Whatever happened to/ NO ONE GETS LEFT BEHIND" - 5FDP

I still have the packet I got from West Point. I'll never throw it away, I guess because it reminds me of what I could have been. I am proud of what I've become (ok, not really) but shit. I kind of regret not having gone. I would have owed my country something great. The more I look back at the decision I made to come here, the more I question my own integrity.

I am kinds of all over the place lately. I need to go for a walk. Maybe I'll run into something I need on the way.

Comfort

Why is it the people you least expect, make a serious impact on your life. I'm not even completely sure who people are anymore. I'm starting to think this is a big joke and I'm the ass getting caught up.

Last week I knew I was going to be ok. A few days ago I knew I was going to be ok. Today, I'm not even sure I have my own shit in order. Everyone is scared. No matter how hard you pretend to be, everyone has a soft core. Everyone. I'm not super manly man, or crazy into being a tough guy, but I know my limits are beyond the average person. And whenever I hit those moments where everything goes crazy, I fall apart. I begin to think, maybe I'm not at all who I thought I was. I've had loss, but what the hell makes this one so different. This all may seem really out of order, but here's the problem. I have to find a way to either accept the fact that I'm gonna have to stay comfy or bite the bullet and go through with it.

Shit.

In time, I'll get over this phase. Maybe she'll still care. Maybe I will still care. Maybe I'm wrong, and I'm running the risk of losing everything I've fought for the last few years. Maybe I'm stupid and I'm going off some wild, inner need to be alone. All I know is once shit goes down...shits gonna go down. It's gonna hit the fan...and everything else in the room. I feel like I'm losing either her or myself. Which is more important? I'm not even so sure anymore. I've turned from a lot of things I believe lately. I met a girl a few days ago who asked me "when did I become this person?". I looked at her and thought "what's so wrong with the person you are?". It's not that she's wrong or incorrect. She's just not who she used to be. If that's the case, then I should have asked "when did I become this person?" because I'm not who I was. Maybe it's good. Maybe it's bad. Maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe I'll find out that I lost something. Either way, I'm not going to be alright. I have to deal with losing something that I've had for a long time. Either her, which I've had for years, or myself, which I've had for a while. Or maybe it's this new me, which I've had for a few months now. All this time alone, and all I can come up with is...nothing. I don't even have an answer.


Maybe...just maybe, I'm wrong and I'm being totally mind fucked by everything that happens in life. What to do...what to do. Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. So am I going to kill this new me or lose a love. Gain a death and heartache, or a memory. Choices, choices.

Unwanted tears

Wrote this a few years ago, never posted it. First time for everything.
Something made me post this. We'll see if I can figure out what it was.



tears are for those unsure of where they are
unsure of where they're going
or who they want to be
they fall to the ground unnoticed
by the ones who were supposed to see
all my pain and devastation
confined into a single drop
but once it leaves my face, i fear,
it comes to a sudden stop
the tear that you onced cried and weeped
has now come to end, fell off your cheek
like spheres of glass, they fall and shatter
down below, on the cold, hard street
unlike these tears that you once made
that stop so fast, break, and change shape
i cant be broken and remolded into something new
thats not the way i was made,
and most likely neither were you
the human heart is fragile
when deep in thought, it is like water:
when shown the smallest amount of cold,
it in itself grows colder, and harder.
turning into ice is the final stage
but then i stop, only to find
the tears that once ran down my face
have absorbed the cold and frozen inside
its a fatal game, the one we play
its complicated, called emotion.
few people win, but many lose
only one rule, but no one knows it
i almost let my wife come right between us
but after it all, realized she was just trying to beat us
my wife became my mistress, my mistress became my love
enshrouded only in darkness
like a hand in a black glove
this love that i speak of
composed of ideas, music and lyrics
unfortunately, i must say
this mistress' name is music
in terms of my love, this wife
she turned out to be a bitch
now i seek divorce
to end this relationship