i hate this feeling....now i just miss you...

now i just miss you like you wouldnt believe. i just wanna stop fighting and arguing. i just wanna see you and smile and see the girl that loves...right now i think im gonna see the girl who wants me to shut up...damn i really am not good at this..remind me how you fell for me in the first place:-/

not good enough

you are constantly making me feel like im not good enough, like my ideas are crap and my reasoning behind my thinking is stupid. "grow up" "you're an idiot" "back off"

I don't think anyone has ever shot down my attempts so brutally...I might be trying to hard...but at least I'm trying...do you know anyone else that would fight for you this hard and go through the barrage of constant corrections and put downs you throw my way?

I'm putting up with this is because of how much I love you. I love you so much that despite the tears you force out of my eyes on an almost nightly basis, I wont give up...I'm fighting for you and youre saying im overdoing it...like our relationship isn't on the line...

Excuse me for planning our time...but do you know any other guy who would even give it that much thought? Any other guy who would care so much about the time you share that he don't want absolutely anything to go wrong? A guy who love you so much that no matter how many times you tell him he's doing something wrong, he keeps trying...do you know any other guy like that, do you know ANY OTHER GUY THAT EVEN REMOTELY GIVE A SHIT AS MUCH AS I DO!? :'-( would you rather I didn't try at all? would you rather I gave it nothing? am I really that much of a pain to you that I'm going to drag out the 2 months that you AREN'T going to see me??? am I really that bad? I'll tone it down... I'll do whatever you say, I want you that badly. I truly do.

I really can't do anything right for you, can I?

I'm really at a loss for words...
"try harder"
"calm down"
"show me"
"too much"


Fine. Okay. Alright. I'll do it. You log off on me AND hang up on me, I'm trying to make time, you tell me I'm killing it and you wonder why I think it is you don't want to spend time with me. I told you I'd bring sandwiches for the next day since you didn't want me planning everything out for days to come......SANDWICHES!!!!! and that was trying too hard. You said you'd stop the back and forth.

DAMNIT I AM GIVING IT EVERYTHING!!!!!!!! you just keep shooting me down...

and then you post something about a long summer...making me feel even worse...like im SO bad at this that you're summer is ruined... :'-(

i guess ill keep trying something new until you finally smile and tell me im on the money...

Best laid plans...

i like having a plan...or at least a rough outline. at least for this. if we both know were going to be busy id like to set apart some time so we can be together but she likes going with the flow... and for the sake of her happiness I'm going to go with her idea this time. i have a feeling i know where this is going to go though...shes going to be so caught up with other people that im going to have to be the one who has to ask to spend time with her. shes going to forget about spending time with me and then im gonna feel like a dunmy for not making a plan. im going to want to spend time with people too but shes my #1 priority. I don't really feel like a priority. Oh well I'm not going to push for it because pushing only leads to angry fights. Ill just have to hope she doesn't forget I wanted to spend time with her before I'm 1247 miles away...

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eff my life...

it feels like theres a little guy who controls my life and he lines things up in such a way that allows me to get boned by myself every so often...i wrote stuff down here so i wouldnt bring them up with her because i know she doesnt need this right now....but it just so happens...she reads this...so my attempts at being good...actually failed. she didnt want to talk to me cuz i let her know WAY too much of what i was thinking on saturday...then i wrote here and i tried to do good all week. and i was hurting..so i posted it here...we talked today and it seemed like things had gotten better...until she read everything here...now im back to square one...i hate you blogger..........so eff blogger instead of my life....see what i mean....boned by myself......



-_-....

THE FUCK!!

FUCK!

so NOW you let me in on everything...once were about to go to work and not speak...now you let me know how you felt about the things that ive done. and NOW you let me in to whats going on in your head....and then just like that...the conversation was over...not because i wanted it to be...not because you didnt want to talk to me...but because apparently theres a time limit to how much i can talk to you...and because you wanted to do something else...given we havent talked since....idk...FRIDAY!.


the fuck...

im probably overreacting ...but i dont care right now...cuz seriously? fine...youre fucking taking this to a whole other level, just cuz were not together doesnt make any sense as to why we cant talk for however long we want to talk for...FUCK MY COUCH!!!


by the way...im glad you liked the stuff i dropped off this morning....it took me 13 HOURS and 5 stores and a parking ticket to get them to you....

at least someone knew I was there...

I stayed up for hours making her a video of our pictures, a little clip of me being stupid...some music. Left early this morning, drove around to at least 5 different flower stores, got her flowers, dropped them on her doorstep along with the video...and it seems the only person that cared was the police officer that gave me a ticket for parking on the street while I left the flowers on the step...


I'm really not making any progress am I? :( I'm broke between gas money, ticket, flowers, food...I literally have nothing else to give, I've already given it all up...what am I supposed to do?

100,000,000,000,000%

COME ON!!!!! I'm doing everything I can. Everything. I'm doing everything I can think of short of going into the future and bringing her back a picture of us two together to prove to her I'm serious. I've been changing my life, trying to prove to her that I'm serious, that I'm not some liar who's just doing this for shits and giggles! i want her back. I'm not looking for any other girl. I'm not looking to make a fool of her. I'm looking to get the girl i love back. And its like nothing matters. I told her that id move wherever, go wherever, back her up no matter what, wait however long (no matter how i feel about the length of time). I am WILLING OT DO WHATEVER IT TAKES!!! she said it could take months, it could take years (God FORBID it be years :-(...), but I'm doing everything to let her know i will never do this again, i will never let her slip away again. I seriously feel like Ross from friends. I feel like I let my jennifer aniston go, except she really believes im not proving it to her. I AM TRYING EVERYTHING MY BRAIN THINKS UP!!! honestly, every idea that has popped up to say 'hey, this will help her know' ive done! and it always winds up getting me the same response: either "no jonathan" or "show me"....ok well "no jonathan" implies that all that did was make you mad at what i did and "show me" implies that what i did didnt do a good job of showing you im trying and either way she doesnt want to talk or see me so I cant even SHOW her my progress most of the time....SO I LOSE BOTH WAYS! is there anybody with any ideas on how to prove myself....my brain is burning through ideas faster than you can imagine. RUBI if youre reading this....IM WORKING EVERY METHOD AND PLAN I CAN DEVISE...if you cant see the proof in what i do...then try to see the proof in the fact that im doing all those things in the first place to try to prove it to you :-(

it didnt really matter...

i spent 9 hours rewriting, recording, mixing and uploading a song that i originally wrote for her 2 years ago...she still doesnt want to talk or see me...were still only gonna hang out twice and i dont even know if im gonna keep her in the end...:-(... at least shes not in pain missing and thinking about me...its enough with just one of us losing sleep...*sigh*


from what ive read so far...theres nothing in the bible about feeling crappy about youre girl not wanting you back...better keep looking. its gotta be in there somewhere:-/

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Lets just do it!!!

I really just wanna tell her lets stop fighting, stop being mad at each other, the only things its causing is pain for both of us. The only thing holding me back is the fact that she really doesn't want to hear from me right now. If I tell her that it could lead to an even bigger fight, but it could also lead to the end of this 'silence'. I want to handle this like friends, like adults, like a couple thats trying to work things out and get back together. Right now, it feels like we're handling this like enemies and two people who are so angry with each other that it's causing a war. I really want to tell her how much I love her and how much I just want to work through this. I want her support and I want to talk with her through this. Should I tell her?

little hints

ive been trying to drop her little hints here and there that i miss her and that im thinking about her but i think its just pissing her off even more. i think that falls in the 'talking to her' section which she told me was a no-no.

This sucks...

I know that this is just a temporary thing, but the fact that I literally have NOTHING to do all day makes it that much more unbearable. I don't have anything to do, everyone I know lives far away and she doesn't want to communicate. All I can do is think about it. I really don't have much to distract myself. I've tried exercise and walking and even sleeping...but I can't do those ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. I feel like I'm letting her slip away and I don't like the feeling. I don't want to lose her.


Ef...

sandwiches ...

i was supposed to be making turkey sandwiches for our date tomorrow
...looks like im still eating alone...

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i found your home

so i havent slept again...she is the only thing that runs through my head...

I told myself that I wouldnt get mad and i'd keep my cool...and i did. theres no way i can be mad at her. it jist doesnt happen. i get frustrated or mad or sad or annoyed...but at the end of the day..she is still bibi and i cant be mad at bibi for ever...she brings me such a profound joy:-) no matter how much pain and heartache tbis is causing...i love her and i am overjoyed to know she loves me too. i know that i have something special...i just have to keep fighting for it.im not going to give up. gentlemen she may not be taken this very instant but she is mine. i am going to fight until shes found that place called home shes been looking for...back in my arms.

Where the hell are the airplanes?....

because I damn sure need a wish right now.

I have been waiting for her to talk to me...no response yet. I really hope she decides she wants to talk to me before work...if not were gonna get to work and she's still not gonna want to talk to me...that's gonna be 1: really difficult and 2: extremely painful.

This whole situation feels super caca pleep pleeps. If anyone sees an airplane wish that I could make her happy again...thanks...

I want...

I want her to call....I keep checking my computer and my phone hoping she'll try to contact me. I know she said she didn't want to and I don't really feel the greatest either...no matter how upset I am I still want to hear from her and talk to her... this hurts a lot. I really hope she's doing ok...at least better than I am right now.

it honestly feels like trying gets me nowhere but backwards

i tried. i honestly gave it 100% of my effort. i stopped talking on the phone...i took her to lunch...i tries to think of waya for us to spend time together...i even spoke to our boss to see if he could help. i got upset because she cancelled one of our only days together...and now she doesnt want to talk with me...she doesnt want to spend time with me. i was trying as hard as i could. i really was and i was left with 48 hours...the only 48 hours i was going to get this summer with the girl that i love... i really think we blew it way out of proportion... i lost it...i really lost it...

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Uh oh

Yup...the big one...the one that was coming... I pushed too hard. I'm not dealing with one of my guy friends or my dog... I'm dealing with a sensitive woman who is trying to piece together the mess that I've made and I pushed her too far. Now she's mad at me and I don't know what to do... I think she might be at the end of her whits with me... If I mess this up... nope...can't allow myself to think that way... I'm not gonna mess this up... I'm not gonna mess this up... I'm not gonna mess this up... am I??? :-(

I'm not trying to. I'm really not trying to screw with her head or push or be an all around idiot (the word she used) but I don't know it's like when I'm trying... I'm trying too hard and I end up destroying what I worked to build. I gotta figure out a solution quick...

Not fair...

I miss you :'-(...you should be here, and you're not.
You should be kissing me, but you can't.
You should be wondering where to get the rings, but you're not.
I should be with you, but I'm not.
I should be holding you, but I can't.
I wish I could see you, but you won't let me.
We should be together, but nothing allows us.
You should keep going, but others say not to.
I should give up, but I'll never let that happen.
We should be able to get through this....and we will.




It hurts so bad to hear the girl you love say you can't hold her hand, kiss her, hold her, spend time with her. It's painful. It feels like getting run over by a cargo plane.

queue cards please

Sometimes I really wish I was someone else. I make stupid decisions, say stupid things, act like a total fool. Put those three together and you've got a recipe for sure fire failure. Now I've lost contact with my God, I don't even get to SEE the girl, and I'm alone.

Nothing I can do or say now matters. I'm going to be super sick nasty busy for the next few months and I can't take back or redo what I didn't do right (or, in this case, never got to do) and I'm gonna be stuck doing the same mundane shit over and over. I wish life had a queue card holder...no way you can fuck up anything that way. Saturday night and I'm writing to an internet site to hold my thoughts. Fuck this, fuck the ideas that come out, fuck the stupid shit I say, the trouble it always seems to bring, the useless attempts at controlling my thoughts. Fuck it all.

*clears throat* queue card reader!!! lets try that scene again....I messed up...

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E

i got absolutely no sleep last night. i was waiting for morning so i could call...that didn't go so well. 8 hours wasted just waiting. why do i get my hopes up? learn to expect worst and you can never be disappointed. words to live by. havent let me down so far. it keeps me going, despite the fact that I'm running on 'E'.

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...again...

you know...i realize that what i did was a total dick head move... but why do i feel more like an asshole now? i feel like im being torn between her good side and her bad side. one second shes laughing and having a good time with me. she wakes up and doesnt want to hear my voice. what the fuck? i am trying to make things work and i feel like am idiot while im at it. i felt so great last night when she laughed and smiled. this morning i felt like shit. like a fucking nobody. like i didnt matter to her. well shit if im not gonna matter might as well not matter by myself. because after all...she doesnt want to see me either. maybe im so despicable that this is how normal people deal with me. or maybe, just maybe, im actually feeling a little bit of hurt inside cuz ive been rejected and she doesnt even know it yet.





ps...for those who care and read along ....i havent felt this alone and put aside ever. period.

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hmm

i think that says it all...

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